


Lean On Me

by StanfouQueen



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Disability, F/F, M/M, Nightmares, Paralysis, Physical Disability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychological Trauma, Serious Injuries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-11-29
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-10-26 17:04:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/285765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StanfouQueen/pseuds/StanfouQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After witnessing a shooting, Alex is overwhelmed with guilt and traumatic stress. Olivia reaches out to her, but will it be enough?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A predatory smirk formed on Alex Cabot's face as she got ready to cross-examine the newest defendant. She wasn't just going to cross-examine him; she was going to grill him so hard that he'd be crying for his mommy in no time.

"So, Mister Grant," she said briskly, easily faking nonchalance. Her voice was crisp, cool. "Your girlfriend of one year came home with a confession of infidelity and a plea for forgiveness. You were furious, but before you could do anything, you had a blackout. When you were aware again, you were standing over her, holding a knife, shocked and dismayed to see that she was bleeding from a dozen stab wounds, in addition to damage to her genital area caused by being sodomized with said knife. Is this correct?"

"Yes," the man said, still confident. For now, at least. It wouldn't last long. "I don't know what happened, or how, or why. It's like I was just there, and then next thing I knew, she was hurt. And my senses were just so hyperacute, you know? I could smell the coppery blood, and hear every breath, and everything."

"And you believe that you should not be held accountable for your actions because of this? You believe this allows you to fit the criteria for temporary insanity?" Alex asked, wording her statement carefully since she knew she was dangerously close to making the defense attorney raise an objection. With her next statement, she would do that deliberately, forcing Grant's hand at the same time, and she didn't want to wear out her welcome before then.

"Yeah, I do!" Grant said. "I was suffering from- what did your shrink call it- Brief Reactive Psychosis!"

"Mm-hmm," Alex said, casually looking at her fingernails. "Awfully convenient, though, isn't it? That after all the troubles you've had with your girlfriend, and all the stresses in your life, you only became psychotic on the night she was murdered?"

"Objection, your honor!" the defense attorney, Mila Sullivan, called.

"Sustained. Watch it, Counselor," Donnelly said dryly.

"Allow me to rephrase," Alex said. "Do you know the statistics relating to psychosis? Do you know how unlikely it is for a person in a psychogenic fugue to return to themselves to find they have committed any sort of criminal act, let alone murder?"

"Well, it may be unlikely, but- but it has to happen to someone!" Grant exclaimed.

She had him.

"Or, even likelier, it didn't happen to you at all. You quoted our psychiatrist in an incomplete fashion; you said he talked about Brief Reactive Psychosis as an explanation for your symptoms. _However,_ our psychiatrist also said that you _did not_ meet the criteria, and yours was just another sham psych defense."

"But I-" Grant began.

Alex cut him off. "Could the legal writer please read Doctor George Huang's testimony as it is written on the record?"

The scribe, a short, homely woman, stopped typing and began to read aloud. "ADA Cabot: Doctor Huang, you interviewed the defendant. What did you find?

"Doctor Huang: Though he claims to have no memory of the incident, and attempts to back that up by claiming to have experienced several tell-tale symptoms of Brief Reactive Psychosis, the defendant was clearly faking. He had clearly done shallow research of the topic and thought he had to show all the symptoms in textbook fashion to fit the criteria; it is quite obvious to me that his psych defense is false."

"Thank you," Alex said when the woman had finished.

Before she could continue, Grant cried, "I didn't- I just lost control- and then the knife was right there-" And then, he very wisely stopped talking.

It was all Alex could do not to cheer. "What was that? I couldn't understand you."

Hours later, Alex was jubilantly walking out of the courtroom. She'd gotten a conviction, all right. And she had been able to absolutely plow the scumbag in the process. This was certainly shaping up to be a nice day, as nice as her job allowed, at least.

"How did it go?" Olivia asked as she walked towards Alex. Olivia had been busy with another case, along with George Huang. They had been working with another ADA and had agreed to meet her after they were done testifying to find out how her case had gone. They'd all put a lot of effort into it, after all.

"Guilty on all counts," Alex said, grinning. "George, your advice was absolutely perfect. Grant was lying through his teeth the whole time and needed someone to drill through his story to get him to reveal all the holes. I gave him the rope; he hung himself."

"That's great, Alex," George said, smiling back at her. "I'm glad that my advice helped."

"His brother didn't even bother to say goodbye to him when he was declared guilty. Just stood up and left," Alex said as they walked towards the courthouse doors. "Maybe he saw the light and realized that Grant isn't worth it. He's lucky he didn't' get charged with obstruction after all he did." She shook her head. "Making a false confession despite all the forensic evidence we had… What was he thinking?"

"Just an older brother's protective instinct, Alex," George said smoothly.

"Yeah, I guess so," Alex replied. "Good thing we got that cleared up before we went to trial. That would've created quite a mess."

Now they were near the entrance of the courthouse. George opened the door and held it open for both women, then followed them outside. Alex and Olivia simultaneously said, "Thank you," as the door closed.

"Good job, and good luck on your next case, Alex," Olivia said, stopping on the courthouse steps. "I have to head back to the one-six to work on a new case the captain told me about this morning." She turned to George. "And George, I don't remember if I told you already, but he thinks we might need you to drop by and give us a profile for this one."

The trio began moving again, and soon reached the bottom steps. "You didn't tell me, but that will be fine. I just have to go to the FBI building for a little bit first," George said. "I have some important business to take care of."

"Alright, then. See you two later," Olivia said. She smiled as she turned in the direction of her parked car and started to head to it.

George turned to Alex, smiling softly. "I don't know about you, but I'm pretty hungry. Would you like to go get something? My treat."

"Sure," Alex said. "Where do you want to go?"

"Your pick," George replied. Though his stoicism wouldn't allow him to show it, he felt happy and proud on both their behalves. They had both put so much effort into the case, and only Alex would have been able to try the case as perfectly as she had.

"Well, I seem to remember a Chinese restaurant you said I just had to try," Alex said playfully, "And I'm feeling adventurous."

"Prepare to eat the best food ever prepared," George said with exaggerated solemnity. "Are you ready?"

Alex laughed. "Very. And you know-"

George didn't hear the rest. As an FBI agent, he always remained vigilant of his surroundings; it had been drilled into him ever since Quantico. The drills at Hogan's Alley had honed his sight and hearing, and as a result, he saw a flash of metal that most wouldn't have seen until it was too late.

The realization that someone had just pulled out a gun took only a split-second. The realization that it was aimed in their direction- possibly at Alex- took only one more. But that was enough to severely limit his options. He could get his own gun out so he could fire back, or he could ensure that Alex wouldn't be hurt. He would normally choose to protect the public first, but Olivia hadn't gotten far- she'd be able to apprehend the shooter in no time. He trusted her.

That meant his job was to protect Alex, and he only knew of one way to do that. He didn't mind, though. The instinct to put others before himself had always been in him, almost to the point that it was a weakness. He'd take a bullet for almost anyone, assuming they were a good person, and with Alex Cabot, the decision was so easy that he didn't even have to think about it.

He only had a few seconds to act, though. He had to move faster than he ever had.

"Alex, look out!" he cried, tackling her.

He had collapsed on top of Alex before he heard the earth-shattering sound the gun made- so loud that it damaged his eardrum- and he didn't even register the shouts of fear that erupted around him.

The bullet entered through his back, and he could feel an exit wound near his navel. It was several seconds before he felt the pain, but once it started, it blanked everything else out. It felt like a hot piece of metal being rammed into his torso constantly.

He felt Alex carefully shifting him off of her. He saw, rather than heard, her cry, "George, what- are you-"

He couldn't speak. He felt the warm blood pooling under him, and saw Alex's look of shock and horror when she noticed it.

"L… Lex… Pressure…" He whispered.

It took Alex a minute to understand, but then she nodded and pulled his shirt up, pressing her hands into the bleeding exit wound. It would have been better if she could press the wound on his back, but she knew better than to move him without stabilizing his head. If his spine had been damaged, she would make it worse.

George couldn't stop himself from moaning once Alex's hands started pressing. The pressure intensified the pain to an unbearable level; he barely managed not to scream, and that was more from weakness than anything else.

He shivered from pain and the slight cold. He was slipping into shock quite quickly, he thought worriedly. _Bullet must've nicked something…_

"Someone, call an ambulance already!" Alex snapped at the crowd that had formed. Thank god she'd taken a first aid class when she'd been in witness protection, she thought gratefully.

"George, hold on," she pleaded desperately, even though she knew he probably couldn't hear her well, if he could at all.

Her hands trembled as she saw George fighting to keep his eyes open. He was bleeding out so fast.

"George, hold on," she said again. She set a hand on his shoulder, rubbing gently, so that he could at least feel that someone else was there.

She didn't even register that anyone else was there, until Olivia set a hand on her shoulder and asked, "Alex, what happened?"

Alex jumped, then looked at the detective. "I don't know- one second we were talking, then George was pushing me aside, and-"

"Well, we found the shooter. A uniform is taking him into custody," Olivia said, kneeling next to her.

Olivia set a hand on George's other shoulder and asked, "George, do you hear me?"

She got no response.

"I think the sound the gun made damaged his hearing. I know my ears are ringing pretty badly," Alex said. "It was painfully loud."

Olivia turned to her at that, worry clear on her face. "Are you hurt?"

"No, nothing other than my ears. He…" she bit her lip, trailing off. She replayed those few seconds in her head, and realized, heart plummeting, what George had done.

"He took the bullet for me," she said in a choked whisper. Her eyes became wet, though she at least had enough self-control to hide it. "He must've seen the shooter, and… and…" Her throat felt too tight for her to continue.

"Shhh, Alex, it's okay," Olivia soothed. "The ambulance is almost here. He'll be okay."

Alex closed her eyes and nodded, overwhelmed with an emotion she had not felt in a long time.

Helplessness.

She'd been afraid, panicked, even, and she wasn't afraid to admit it. But helplessness just didn't mix with Alex Cabot.

Until now.

George saw the vague outlines of the two women above him and tried to say something, anything, but his strength was failing. He was losing too much blood, too fast, in spite of Alex's efforts.

He wanted to give in and sleep, lose the pain and weakness, but he knew there would be a good chance he'd never wake up again. But if the damage was as bad as he suspected, his efforts wouldn't matter in the end.

That was okay with him. It was better him than Alex. She was an amazing friend, an amazing ADA, and an amazing person all-around, and he didn't want to deprive the world of her.

He didn't realize his eyes had closed until he felt a hand on each shoulder. He managed to blink at them again, but that was all.

He thought about the people closest to him. He sent out a silent, "I love you," to his family and his lover, and that was all he could manage.

His strength was completely drained. His eyes slid shut, and unconsciousness followed soon after.

"George!" Alex shouted, rubbing his shoulder as she desperately tried to awaken him again. "George, wake up!"

"Alex, he's lost too much blood. It won't do any good," Olivia said softly. "But the ambulance is here."

Alex blinked and registered the sound of sirens. She saw the ambulance stop in front of the building, and several EMTs climbing out with a backboard and stretcher.

"I'm riding with him," Alex said firmly, looking from Olivia to the paramedics. Olivia knew better than to argue with her, and instead just nodded.

"Okay, miss," a middle-aged man said smoothly. He slid the backboard under George, and he and his partner, a woman, lifted him onto the stretcher. They rushed it back to the ambulance, Olivia and Alex following.

"I'll follow you!" Olivia said as Alex climbed in.

Alex nodded and mouthed, "Okay."

Then the doors were closed and the sirens back on. She watched the EMT's taking George's vitals and trying to find a good vein to put an IV in.

She felt numb. Shocked. She kept replaying the last few minutes in her head, trying to make sense of it all. Talking to George and Olivia. Olivia leaving. George pushing her away and then… this.

"George, please, please hold on," she whispered to her friend. They had been so close for so long, ever since George had joined the squad. And if he died…

"No," she whispered to herself, shaking her head. That couldn't happen. It just couldn't. She wouldn't be able to handle it.

"If you die, I am never going to forgive you, understand?" she said to the unconscious man. "And you know how scary I am when I'm angry. Last time you got on my bad side, you swore that that wouldn't happen again. So you'd better survive this."

She set her trembling hand on George's knee, feeling her heart hammering. She remembered when she'd been shot, how hard it had been to hold on, with the pain, the fatigue, and confusion. That had just been a shoulder wound; she could hardly imagine what George had felt before he'd lost consciousness and how hard it would be for him to fight it.

Alex couldn't remember ever feeling this helpless before.

"Please, George, just hold on," she whispered, voice cracking.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the reviews/alerts/faves/kudos! I appreciate each and every one of them.
> 
> Also, sorry for the wait! To make up for it, here's a super long chapter. Everyone is in for quite a ride... And a very angsty one at that! Yay angst! LOL.
> 
> So, without further ado, here's the next chapter! Hope you enjoy, and please review! It really helps me gauge if I'm doing okay on the story. :)

It was strange, really, the way time worked in an ambulance. It was as though the laws of physics themselves were altered. Thirty seconds of normal time equaled roughly five minutes of ambulance time; objects seemed to move much faster; even thoughts seemed to be sufficiently fast to fly by without being actively registered.

Alex found herself repeating the same thoughts over and over again, drawing on the admittedly limited knowledge she had. Gunshot wound to George's lower back with an exit wound just above and right- well, his left- of his navel; shivering, unconsciousness, and pale, chalky, clammy skin, indicating shock- it didn't look good.

But even more telling than her own assessment was the desperation of the EMTs. They were trying to save him, but George came close to crashing at least two times, and each time it was clear that they didn't think they were going to get him back. They finally intubated him so that his breathing would be at least somewhat under control. They used a pair of clothing shears to cut George's shirt off and took turns applying pressure directly to it.

"How far out are we?" the man currently holding the wound called to the front. "If we don't get there soon, he's not going to make it."

"ETA is three minutes!" the driver called back. "I'm going as fast as I can."

"Shit, Joe, we're losing him again!" another EMT called. The first one- Joe- turned his attention back to George and called out for another drug to inject into the IV. Alex could barely make any of the words out; most of the medical terms simply went over her head.

Her hands were trembling violently, and all she could do was hold on to George's ankle because that was the only way she wouldn't be in the EMT's way. This had all happened so fast and she could barely comprehend it. Just a short while ago, she'd been on top of the world, ready to celebrate winning a tough case. Now she was facing the very likely possibility of losing her best friend.

"Why did you do that, George?" she moaned. "You didn't have to take the bullet for me! How could someone as smart as you do something so stupid?"

She knew exactly what George would say, of course. That he had to, that he couldn't let her be hurt on his watch. George's protectiveness had always been so important to him that it was one of his biggest flaws. He still beat himself up over the Brodus case, all these years later, not because he had almost died and had suffered a severe concussion, but because Elliot had almost been hurt. He cared more about Elliot's bruises than his own brain injury- and that pretty much summed up George himself. No matter how minor, other people's problems came first, always.

"If you survive this, I'm going to kick your ass," she growled at George's unconscious form. "And if you die, I'm going to kick your ass anyway."

She kept flashing back to when she'd been shot. So much pain, so much fear. But she had never been in critical condition. The FBI agents from WitSec had had to exaggerate the severity of her injuries to make it plausible that she had died from them. But her life had been torn apart anyway. All those lonely years in Wisconsin, wanting nothing more than to come home even if it meant she died. Now, from the looks of things, her life would once again be torn apart because of a gun.

What would she tell George's lover? The two had been together for fifteen years, and they were still as much in love as they had been when they'd moved in together. Alex remembered the first time she'd met Adam. George had found an amazing guy, that was for sure. Adam was smart and sweet, and he wasn't half bad in the looks department either. Not to mention the fact that he made the best food Alex had ever tasted. She sometimes laughingly told George that she didn't see why he ever bothered eating out when he had the world's best chef living with him. And even though he probably could have gotten a job at a five-star restaurant, he chose to teach cooking instead. His main job was at a high school, but he also volunteered at community centers and other school's extracurricular clubs.

Adam liked her quite a lot, and always made sure to make Alex's favorite meals on her birthday. She had even spent a few Christmases with them, and every year both he and George made her feel happier and more at home than she would have felt with her own parents. When her nightmares about being shot got overwhelming and she called George to ask him to come talk to her, Adam always kept her on the phone until George showed up, making her laugh in spite of herself. Once he had even made her feel so much better that she hadn't needed to talk to George at all when he showed up, and George had called Adam back and jokingly told him to stop doing his job for him. They had all laughed for a while before George left and Alex went back to bed, sleeping better than she had for months.

Someone as kind as Adam didn't deserve to lose his partner, not like this.

How would she be able to tell him that his husband was in critical condition because he'd jumped in front of a gun? How would she be able to tell him that it was all her fault, that if she had been more vigilant, George wouldn't have had to do anything? And if George died…

Her eyes became wet. It was true; this was all her fault. George was clinging to life by a thread, all because of her.

The ambulance finally arrived at the hospital. She raced behind the stretcher, trying unsuccessfully to pick out the shouts of the EMT's, trauma nurses, and doctors.

"Ma'am, is he allergic to any medications?" a middle-aged woman asked as she shined a light in each of George's eyes.

"Uh-" Alex closed her eyes in concentration, trying to remember. She thought she heard George mention some kind of allergic reaction at one point, but she had no idea what it was.

She reconstructed the scene carefully in her head, and then it finally came to her. "Just codeine," she said finally. "I'm pretty sure there's nothing else. You may want to ask Adam when he comes in, though."

"Who?" the woman asked distractedly. She poked George's upper arm with a needle.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Alex demanded.

"Measuring his response to pain," she replied. "He's responding, so that's good. It means he's probably not in a coma."

A _coma_? Alex whirled around to the doctor, mouth agape.

"Probably?" Alex asked weakly, once her voice returned. "What do you mean, probably?"

"Sometimes severe blood loss can cause a person to become comatose. He is responsive to certain stimuli, but he isn't conscious either," a different doctor explained. "We're trying to get a measure of how responsive is. His responses indicate that he most likely isn't comatose, just unconscious, if you can see the difference."

Alex nodded quickly, suddenly wishing she had her anti-anxiety medicine with her.

A nurse walked up to her. "I'm going to have to ask you to follow me to the waiting room, Miss-?"

"Cabot," Alex supplied.

"Miss Cabot. Come with me, please," the nurse requested, beckoning.

Alex followed her, and saw that Olivia was sitting in a chair, talking to someone on the phone- she assumed it was either Elliot or Captain Cragen. She took the seat next to her and tried not to eavesdrop.

"Okay, El, thanks," Olivia was saying. "Be sure to tell the captain and get everyone here as soon as possible- he didn't look good. Oh!" she added as she saw Alex. "Hold on, Alex just sat down- I'm going to ask her-"

"The EMT's said his odds aren't looking good," Alex admitted, looking downwards. It sounded like someone else was speaking the words.

"It's looking grim, Elliot, tell them to hurry. Yeah, see you soon. Bye." Olivia hung up and turned to Alex. "Are you alright? You look-"

"Terrified?" Alex snapped, trying in vain to keep the edginess out of her voice. "Well, Olivia, maybe that's because I am! I just saw my best friend take a bullet for me and I don't even know if he's going to die! I don't even know if he's going to wake up again!"

"Alright, Alex, calm down," Olivia said quietly. "Whether George makes it or not, panicking isn't going to help him. Only the doctors and surgeons can do that right now."

Alex inhaled sharply, then let it out slowly. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I shouldn't've snapped at you."

"It's okay, Alex. You're stressed. Just try to calm down, okay?" Olivia said.

"Yeah, I guess so," Alex said unenthusiastically. "Anyway, I've got to let George's partner know what happened."

"Partner?" Olivia asked, raising her eyebrows. "I didn't think FBI agents had partners."

"You didn't know?" Alex asked in surprise. George had told her he was out with most everyone he knew now, though his family had been the last to find out due to their conservative views. "Not that kind of partner. A domestic partner."

"Oh!" Olivia said, blushing a little. "I can't believe I just did that. I've known he was gay for a few years; I should have been able to put two and two together. I guess that's what happens when you spend so much time in the NYPD."

"Don't worry about it," Alex said. "Anyway, I'm going to call him. Have you contacted his superiors at the FBI?"

"I don't have the number. The captain does, though; I asked Elliot to ask him," Olivia said.

"Alright, then." Alex walked towards the exit and stood outside, sighing softly at the warm air.

She pulled her cell phone out and, with shaky fingers, dialed Adam's number. _Pick up, pick up!_ She yelled at him silently.

"Hello?"

Alex swallowed. If there was one skill she wished she could learn from the detectives, it was how to break the bad news to loved ones of people who had been hurt.

"Adam, it's me, Alex," she said, voice wavering.

"Alex? What's wrong?" Adam asked. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she assured him. "But George… Adam, we were walking down the courthouse steps when someone aimed a gun at us. George was shot, Adam, and the doctors aren't sure if he's going to make it." She heard Adam gasp. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I couldn't-"

She stopped when she heard a clatter and realized that Adam had dropped the phone. She knew he had never expected anything like this to happen; George was a psychiatrist, FBI agent or no, and he wasn't supposed to be hurt, not like this. Maybe another head injury or, at worst, a stab wound from a patient with a shiv, but not a gunshot wound.

"Adam?" she asked loudly. "Are you there?"

"A-Alex, please tell me you're j-just joking or something" Adam said, voice shaking.

"I wish I could." She swallowed. "They'll be taking him to surgery any minute. The bullet hit something- he was still bleeding a lot when the doctors kicked me out. They're going to get some donor blood for him soon, though."

"What hospital?" Adam asked weakly.

She took a few steps back and looked at the sign over the entrance. "Mount Sinai," she said.

"I'll be there in, um…" Adam trailed off. "I'll be there as soon as I can. I just have to talk to the principal of the school and make sure they can get a sub for me, then I'll be right there."

"Adam, please don't drive," Alex requested softly. "I don't think you'll be safe if you drive in your emotional state. Take a taxi, okay? I'll reimburse you if you need it-"

"No, no- it's fine, I was thinking that anyway- I-" Alex felt a pang in her heart as she heard how lost Adam sounded, and how close to tears he was.

She heard a door opening and closing, and then the sounds of an elevator.

"Alex, is- is he going to die?" Adam whispered.

Alex deliberated on what to do. Tell him the truth and work him up even more, or lie to him and possibly give him false hope.

"They aren't sure, Adam," she said finally. "It doesn't look good. He's in rough shape. But you know him just as well as I do. He's so strong, and he isn't going down without a fight. You know that."

Adam gave a soft hum of affirmation. "That's true, I guess." Alex heard what might have been a sob. "I-I'm almost out of the elevator. I'll see you when I get to the hospital, okay?"

"Okay, Adam. Please be safe," Alex said softly.

"You too," Adam whispered. He hung up a second later.

Swallowing hard, Alex turned on her heels and re-entered the building. She sat in the same spot next to Olivia, trying not to fidget, but it was a losing battle. She had too much nervous energy and nothing to alleviate it.

"I managed to track down a nurse, and she said he'll be in surgery for at least a few hours," Olivia said. "They've managed to get a few bags of donor blood for him. His condition hasn't improved, though. And I heard back from the Captain. They're on their way, and Huang's superiors have been notified- they're coming too, as soon as their work allows them."

Alex sighed, nodding and slumping back a little in her seat. Then she shivered when looked down at her front. Her shirt was soaked with blood. She shook her head, and, thankful that she was wearing a t-shirt underneath, tugged her outer shirt off and set it to the side. Some blood had soaked through to the t-shirt too, but since this one was black it wasn't as much of an issue. Her hands had dried, crusted blood on them also, but she wasn't about to leave to wash them. It could wait.

She shifted restlessly once again, ignoring Olivia's sympathetic gaze. She wasn't in the mood.

She pulled out her cell phone, flipping through the list of downloadable games. She wasn't interested in the least, but she needed something to distract her or she'd go crazy. Finally she decided to download what must have been the 500th hidden object game released that month. Still, there was something soothing about solving puzzles.

She was on the fifth level when Don, Elliot, Munch, and Fin arrived. Immediately catching sight of the two women, they walked over and joined them, pulling up some nearby chairs to sit closer.

"How is he?" Don asked.

"We haven't got much of an update yet except that he's going to be in surgery for a while," Alex relayed.

"What happened?" Elliot asked her gently.

Alex sighed inwardly. She knew she had to talk about it sooner rather than later to prevent this from turning into PTSD too. Not to mention the fact that she would have to give her statement eventually, and she may as well get it over with now.

She closed her eyes in weariness. "I had finished the Grant case and got a conviction. George and Olivia met me outside the room and we started walking. Olivia had to leave to work on another case and George and I stopped a minute to talk about lunch. There was this place he had been begging me to go to and we decided to go there. The next thing I know, George is tackling me and a gunshot goes off so loud that it makes my ears ring for a while. I didn't see the shooter and I don't know anything about him except that he's a he, and that's because Olivia told me that when she came to help me do first aid. George was bleeding out fast, no matter what I tried to stop it. The entry wound was in his back and it exited near his navel."

Elliot winced, while Fin reached forward and patted her shoulder comfortingly. She shrugged it off, appreciating the gesture but not wanting to be touched.

She looked at Don and Munch, who looked worried but mostly calm. They had been cops for so long that one of their co-workers being shot wasn't anything new. Not that they weren't concerned; they had just seen it happen too often for it to make them panic. She didn't know whether to feel pity or jealousy.

Silence fell over the group for a while, broken only by the occasional sounds of coffee being poured from the machine in the corner. Alex put at least five sugar packets in hers and sipped at it distastefully. She hated it, but at least drinking kept her occupied.

There was no clock in the waiting room, probably to keep the people there from constantly reminding themselves of the time passing and driving themselves into a nervous breakdown, so Alex was forced to constantly check her cell phone. The minutes passed by slower the more she looked at the timer, so she finally gave up.

Adam finally speed-walked into the room, joining the large group. He didn't notice the confused looks everyone but Olivia, Don, and Alex gave him. "How is he?" he asked worriedly.

Alex sighed, not wanting to explain yet again but also wanting to spare Adam the awkward questions from the others. "He's still in surgery, Adam, and he won't be out for a while."

Adam looked crestfallen, and he bit his lip. "I think I'd better call his family and mine," he said softly. "Should I tell them to come here, or should I tell them to stay home but close to a phone?"

"I think that calling them is a good idea," Alex said. "And I think you should tell George's immediate family to come here, but not yours. We don't want to overcrowd the room."

Adam nodded absently and fumbled with his phone. Taking pity on him, Olivia offered, "I'll call George's family if you give me the number. It might be easier coming from me, since I'm a cop."

Adam thought it over. "I guess so," he finally agreed. "They don't seem to like me all that much anyway."

"Adam, they're still adjusting to you and George being together. He only came out to them recently," Alex protested.

She saw comprehension dawning on Elliot, Fin, and Munch, but they remained silent. There just wasn't a lot to say at a time like this, even to people they did know- let alone a stranger.

"Anyway, that's not important right now. This isn't the time for family drama," Alex finished softly, reaching out to pat the back of Adam's hand.

Silence fell. Olivia left the room to make the phone calls, and everyone else fell back into the routine from a few minutes ago.

Alex watched Adam, feeling stomach-twisting guilt come over her. She should have been able to stop this from happening. Now Adam was facing losing his lover of fifteen years, all because of her. If someone had had to get shot, she felt it should have been her. She didn't have much family- it would have been much less devastating. It should have been _her_ taking the bullet to protect _George_ , not the other way around.

Adam looked so helpless, so afraid, so crushed. She could see all the dark thoughts going through his head. He was thinking about the worst case scenarios, trying to think about life without his lover and unable to even comprehend it.

If George died, Adam would be completely lost- and it wasn't something Alex wanted to witness. The guilt was bad enough as it was, and if George's death was added to it…

She would never forgive herself. Seeing Adam's grief- going into the SVU squad room but not seeing her friend there- trying not to bite any other profiler's head off- she wouldn't be able to handle it. Adam wouldn't be able to handle it. No one else George knew would be able to either.

George just had to make it. If he didn't, at least two people were going to completely lose it.

She wished he could hear her thoughts. If he knew what she and Adam were thinking, he would fight with everything he had to survive.

Her heart clenched, and her breath caught in her throat. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't let herself. She had to be strong; that was who she was. Alex Cabot didn't cry, let alone in the presence of other people.

She coughed once and buried her face in her coffee, taking slow, steadying breaths as she tried to regain control of herself. Then she set the styrofoam cup off to the side.

Pressing one hand against her forehead, Alex shook her head in dismay.

How had things gone so wrong so fast?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry I was so slow in updating this! I had writer's block. I was at point B and I knew where point C was, but I couldn't get there. I think I got it right now, though. That said, please don't kill me for the end of this chapter. *Hides*

Time passed in a blur for Alex.

Olivia returned, saying that George's parents hadn't answered the phone and his sister was out of town on business but had promised to fly into New York on the next available flight. Adam left and called his own family, looking heartbroken, though he looked slightly better when he returned.

Olivia sat next to her, trying to soothe her without touching her or saying anything. It worked, sort of. Her presence did have a calming effect on Alex, but not enough. Neither she or Adam would be okay unless a doctor came out of the operating room and told them that George would be okay.

Hours passed. Fin and Munch left at one point and returned with food from the hospital kitchen for everyone. "It's getting late, and an empty stomach will only worsen the nervousness," they reasoned.

Alex wanted to refuse- she honestly felt sick to her stomach because of everything that was happening- but she hadn't had anything since breakfast and she was starving. She sighed, reluctantly accepting a roast beef sandwich. She wasn't the biggest meat eater on the planet, yet another reason not to eat it. She stared down at the sandwich and tried to make it look more appealing. It looked like the most disgusting thing ever assembled, even though she knew it was probably decent for hospital food. She huffed quietly and started to pick it up.

"Alex, wait," Olivia said before Alex could touch the food itself. "You need to wash your hands."

Alex looked down and saw that her hands were stained dark red from George's blood, the crimson having darkened and faded a little as it dried. Her eyes watered slightly, but her voice was steady when she said, "I don't want to leave here, Olivia. I want to be here if…" She trailed off, not wanting to mention any worst-case scenarios in front of Adam, who was already distraught. "I want to be here if they have any updates," she said instead.

"And keeping your hands dirty and bloody and eating with them is better?" Olivia challenged. "We'll tell you right away if anything changes, you know we will."

A nearby nurse heard their argument and walked forward. "Ma'am, you can use one of our showers if you wish. I can lend you a pair of hospital scrubs," she offered kindly.

"Or, I have an extra shirt and pair of pants in my trunk," Olivia supplied. "I keep them with me in case I pull an extremely long shift. I think the shirt at least would fit you. The pants are a little iffy."

"Okay, that sounds good," Alex relented, knowing that there was no use arguing. Everyone would band together to wear her down anyway. She looked at the nurse and Olivia and asked them, "Can you show me and her to the room? And Olivia, can you bring the clothes there?"

"Of course," Olivia said. She stood and walked out of the room, while the nurse- her nametag identified her as Ashley- guided Alex towards the shower. Eventually they reached their destination and Alex walked in.

"I'll show Detective Benson where you are when she comes back," Ashley said.

"Thank you," Alex said. She closed the door and stripped down. Then she stepped in the shower and turned it on, making the water nice and cool due to the temperature outside. She gradually turned it up, knowing that warm water would be better for washing off.

There was a soap dispenser attached to the side of the shower, so she pressed it and got some on her hands. Some of the caked blood started to loosen, but not all of it.

She shivered, looking down at herself. More of George's blood was covering her than she had thought. It felt so symbolic. If she had noticed earlier, George wouldn't have gotten shot. His blood was on her hands both literally and figuratively.

Images kept flashing in her head. She kept seeing George collapsing on top of her, the blood pouring out of the wound on his abdomen. She felt so scared, and there wasn't a single thing she could do except hope and pray, which were still useless as far as she was concerned. It worked well for others, but not her.

"George," she whispered helplessly, watching the scene again. She felt him shiver under her hands, saw the strength fading from his body, felt the blood gushing out of him.

She should have protected him. It was her fault he got hurt and Adam has to think about what might happen without George in his life.

She bit her lip. She had done so many things wrong. She hadn't been alert to the danger. She hadn't reacted fast enough. She hadn't let George know that he didn't need to put himself in danger to save her. She hadn't done first aid well enough, hadn't stopped the bleeding. She hadn't said anything to reassure him. She hadn't-

She heard a knock on the door. "Alex?" Olivia's voice called. "You okay?"

"Y-Yeah, Liv," Alex stammered. "I'm fine. The curtain's pulled, so come in."

Olivia entered the room. "Here are the pants and shirt. I'll set them on the sink for you, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks," Alex said softly. She realized Olivia wouldn't be able to hear her over the water, so she repeated, "Yeah, thanks," in a louder voice. She bit her lip as she looked down at herself. "I'll be done in a minute. I'll meet you out there," she said.

"Okay," Olivia said. Alex heard her walking out of the room and closing the door.

She inhaled sharply and looked down at her body. She washed herself quickly, desperate to get back to the others.

Finally, she turned the water off and stepped out. She wrung her hair like a sponge to get the excess water off and grabbed a towel to finish drying herself. Then she got dressed again. Olivia's clothes fit her well enough, though the pants were a little on the tight side.

Her stomach started to growl, and now she actually felt like eating. It had to be because she felt cleaner, because that seemed to be the only thing that had changed. She certainly didn't feel calmer or less guilty.

She set the towel in a hamper sitting near the door. Then she grabbed her clothes off the ground and walked out.

"Hey, you feeling better?" Olivia asked when she saw her.

Alex nodded slightly. "A little."

"I'll put these in my car, if you want," Olivia offered, gesturing at the clothes.

Alex handed them over. "Thank you so much, Olivia," she said appreciatively. "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier."

"Hey, we'd pretty much have the roles reversed if it was Elliot who had been shot in front of me," Olivia said. "Having a friend seriously injured isn't something you can just shake off. You're afraid. I've been in the same spot before; I understand what you feel."

Alex swallowed hard. "It's not just fear," she admitted.

"You don't blame yourself, do you Alex?" Olivia asked softly. "It isn't your fault."

"Of course I blame myself! It is my fault!" Alex cried. "He took the bullet for me! I should have been shot instead, Liv. Because of me, George is in critical condition and Adam is facing losing his partner of fifteen years!"

"Fifteen years?" Olivia said, surprised. "They've been together that long?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah, they have been. And they've always been so happy together, even if George doesn't talk about his private life at work. They rarely fight. They fit so well together- it's the kind of romance most people just dream of, you know?"

"I do know," Olivia said, sounding a little… wistful?

Alex didn't spend much time trying to analyze Olivia's feelings, however. Voice filled with guilt, she choked, "And I'm responsible for ending that. Adam's going to be all alone because of me."

"He's not going to die, Alex," Olivia said. "I just know he won't. He may be seriously injured but I don't think he's going to die."

"It's not like he just got a graze wound on his arm, Olivia!" Alex exclaimed. "The bullet hit an artery or vein, otherwise he wouldn't have lost so much blood so fast. He's…" She trailed off.

"I know he's in serious condition. I just… It's a cop's intuition, I guess. I've seen enough people get shot to know who will and won't make it most of the time. He's a fighter, Alex. He wouldn't just leave like that," Olivia said.

"That can only do so much, Olivia. If the injuries are serious enough, he could fight with everything he has and it still wouldn't be enough," Alex argued.

"That's true. But I still know he's going to pull through," Olivia said confidently.

"Even if he does survive, how am I supposed to look either of them in the eye again? I almost got George killed and ruined everything for Adam," Alex said, biting her lip. "Even if he lives, it's still my fault he was hurt in the first place. I can't just pretend everything's normal." She shook her head. "It's my fault."

"George chose to push you away and put himself in the line of fire, Alex. You didn't ask him to and we all know you never would. It's just that George thinks protecting others is more important. He's been hanging around us a little too long, know what I mean?" Olivia asked.

Olivia had a point there. Alex nodded and said, "Yeah, I do. Like when he got attacked by that man with pica and refused to let the EMT's look at him."

"Exactly," Olivia agreed. "Since he started getting closer to us, he shows emotion a little more often and seems more determined to protect others even if it puts him in harm's way. And you and him are so close- he'd beat himself up just as bad, if not worse, than you're doing to yourself now if you had been the one who was hurt. He could have risked you being hurt and fired back at the shooter, or tried to just push you out of the way without jumping in your place, but he wanted to be sure. Once the trigger's fired, there's no way to dodge a bullet- he only had as much time as it took for the shooter's muscles to move. When he wakes up and the meds wear off, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the first things out of his mouth is asking if you're okay. And then he'll probably feel worried about your mental state and will feel guilty for worrying you," Olivia said. "You mean a lot to him."

"I should have been able to do something," Alex whispered. "I should have seen the gun. I didn't even know anything had happened until George pushed me."

"You couldn't have, Alex," Olivia said, shaking her head. "FBI agents get even more rigorous training than cops. Even the shrinks. Even though he doesn't carry his gun when he can help it- which is against the fed's rules, by the way- he still has the fast reflexes when he sees a gun and he can aim just as good as we can. Once he spots a gun he can react in a split-second.

"But you're an attorney, Alex. You can't be expected to have the split-second decision making. Don't feel bad because George chose to put himself in danger. He may have done it for you, but there wasn't anything you could have done and it's not your fault. That's exactly what he'd tell you if he was awake," Olivia said.

Alex wanted to protest, but she knew they'd be arguing in circles. Olivia wasn't about to convince her that it wasn't her fault and she wasn't about to convince Olivia that it was. And if they kept arguing, they would stay here, which meant being further away if any news came. And she _was_ hungry. She sighed and said, "Okay. Anyway, let's get back to the waiting room. I never ate my sandwich."

"Okay," Olivia said. She set her hand on Alex's shoulder for a few seconds. "Everything will be okay, Alex, I promise. And if you need anyone, I'm here."

"Trying to take George's job there, Olivia?" Alex teased, surprising even herself with the humor.

Olivia laughed. "I don't think I'd last a day," she said. She started walked back towards the waiting room, Alex following. Once they made it back to the room, Olivia kept going towards the parking lot, while Alex grabbed her sandwich and sat next to Adam. He was nibbling on a salad and staring at his phone, looking lost.

"Adam?" Alex asked softly.

He looked at her and gave a weak smile. "Hey. You're looking better."

"Thanks," she said, taking a bite of her sandwich. It tasted incredible, especially for hospital food. She was sure that had to do with the fact that she hadn't eaten since morning and it was late afternoon now.

"Any news?" Alex asked, swallowing the food.

"No. The nurse who showed you to the shower said a surgeon would probably be out to update us within an hour, though," Adam said.

"He's been in surgery for a long time," Alex commented. She looked at the clock on her cell phone to see just how long it had been, and was shocked to see that George had been in surgery for three, almost four hours.

"I know," Adam said painfully. He looked into the distance. "I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not."

Alex nodded, knowing what he meant. On the one hand, it was a good sign because every minute George was in surgery was another minute he was alive, but the longer he was in surgery, the more serious his injuries had to be and the harder it would be to repair them.

"Adam?" Alex asked softly. Adam gave her a heartbreaking look, hopeless and afraid. "Are… Are you okay?" It was a stupid question, she knew, but she needed to ask it anyway.

"No," Adam whispered. "I'm not. And I won't be unless he turns out okay."

"Adam, I… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Alex said tearfully. "If I had known, I would have- I would have tried to stop him. I should have reacted earlier but I didn't know, if I had- I didn't want him to take the bullet for me, Adam!"

Adam looked away from her. "I know, Alex. You don't need to apologize," he said. He turned back to her. "There wasn't anything you could have done."

Why was everyone telling her that? Surely someone else had to realize that this was her fault. She couldn't be the only one who was thinking that, she thought, biting her lip.

"The three of us are best friends," Adam continued, voice so quiet that she could barely hear. "And George and I are more than that. I'd take a bullet for either of you. If-if he d-dies…" Adam's voice wavered- "If he dies, he still- he still would have wanted it this way," he choked. He couldn't continue. He shook his head, tears flowing down his face.

Alex swallowed and hugged him tight. The two of them were like her brothers at times. Siblings were supposed to protect each other. She hadn't been able to do that with George but she could at least comfort Adam like a sister was supposed to.

"Shhh," she whispered, hoping she sounded soothing. She wasn't usually the type who could be counted on to be comforting. But if Adam hugging her back was any indication, she was doing okay. "Shh, it's okay," She murmured, holding him tighter. "Shh-shh-shhh…"

She eventually got Adam to relax a little. He set his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes. Alex rubbed his shoulders gently, guilt like an acid churning in her stomach.

Still, she was relieved that Adam didn't blame her. He should have thought it was her fault and he should have been screaming at her, but he wasn't, and even though she didn't agree, the fact that Adam didn't blame her did make her feel a little better.

Olivia walked back in. Alex gave her a silent nod, and Olivia moved towards them and sat down. "Adam, do you need anything?" Olivia asked softly.

"No, thanks," Adam muttered, shifting out of Alex's hold. He sighed, rubbing at his tired eyes. "I want to wake up and realize this was all a nightmare," he muttered.

"Yeah," Alex agreed softly. "I know."

She glanced around the room. Fin, Munch, Elliot, and Don were still sitting together, talking quietly. The room was half-full, and someone would look up every so often, or stand to stretch or walk somewhere else when a nurse or doctor came to talk to them. The room was full of tension and anxiety despite the efforts that had been taken to make the room soothing- painting it soft colors, placing a fish tank in a corner.

She sighed, feeling Olivia set a soothing hand on her shoulder. Alex glanced at her and gave a weak smile before turning back to Adam. Deciding they could both use a distraction, she asked, "So how are your students doing?"

"Oh, they're okay," Adam said softly. "One or two of them can't seem to get the hang of it, but they all love cooking and that's what matters. I'm teaching them how to make dinner stuff now, since they're a little tired of snacks and the like." He smiled softly. "Soon, I'm going to teach them how to make cheap soups and bread."

"Sounds fun," Alex said. "If only my oven wasn't allergic to me, I'd ask you to show me."

"Maybe if we can find a condemned house so no one will miss it when the building burns down," Adam said, snorting.

Alex laughed. "Hey, I'm not that hopeless. I haven't ruined a microwave in three years," she protested.

"You're really that bad?" Olivia asked with a laugh of her own. "I didn't think you meant it when you said you set your oven on fire."

"Let's just say that 'Domestic' isn't exactly my middle name," Alex said.

Adam was about to say something, but they fell silent when a surgeon wearing fresh scrubs entered the room. He was medium height with short hair hidden by the scrub hat, blue eyes, and white skin. As he came closer to the waiting area he called, "family of George Huang?"

"Over here," Adam said, sounding terrified again. Fin, Munch, Elliot, and Don stood, moving closer to the other three so that they could hear.

Alex tried to analyze the surgeon's face to figure out what kind of news he was about to give, but she couldn't surmise much. She looked at Olivia, who was better at reading emotions and who she could read better in turn, and gathered that while the worst hadn't happened, something was still very wrong. Alex bit her lip and looked back at the surgeon.

"I can only talk to family," the surgeon began.

"I'm George's partner," Adam said softly. "And I'm listed as his medical proxy and emergency contact. So is Alex Cabot." He gestured his head at her. "I give permission for you to tell us everything. If there's a release form or anything I need to fill out, I will."

"Okay," the surgeon said, nodding. "You will need to sign a few forms, but I'll update you first and then have a nurse give them to you. Anyway, I'm Doctor Masterson, and I performed Doctor Huang's surgery. He had us worried for a while, but we are now confident that he'll survive, and he will be out of surgery in another hour or two."

Everyone sighed in relief. Doctor Masterson continued, "However, there were severe complications. The less serious is that he lost a lot of blood because the bullet hit a vein, and he was in hypovolemic shock when he came in. We were worried he wasn't going to make it; he came very close to dying on the operating table. He will eventually recover from the effects of the blood loss, but he will be weak and easily fatigued until then."

"And what's the worse complication?" Olivia asked quietly. Alex held her breath.

The surgeon inhaled slowly. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but the bullet hit his spine before exiting, and it did enough damage to cause permanent paralysis. It caused an incomplete spinal injury, meaning that he will still have some sensation and function, but not much. He'll never walk again. We'll try to help him as much as possible, but there's nothing more we can do. I'm sorry."

The silence was deafening.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You guys, I am so sorry it took me this long to update. I have had quite a year, some of it good, some of it bad, and I've also had writer's block like you would not believe. But I have an update now, and hopefully it won't take me nearly as long to get the next chapter up. Thanks so much for being patient with me! Feedback is always welcomed.

It was minutes later before Alex could comprehend anything.

When the shock faded and she was aware again, Olivia was murmuring to her gently. Elliot was talking to Adam, while the rest of the team was leaving the room to give them some privacy.

"Alex?" Olivia asked. "Are you okay?"

"…" Alex blinked. "I… yeah… I'm just shocked…" she muttered.

It was incomprehensible. Paralyzed- permanently paralyzed?

She'd gotten George _paralyzed._

She swallowed hard, looking downwards, trying to make sense of it all. She set one hand on her temple and looked up at the surgeon, who was respectfully waiting for them to get their bearings.

"He's lucky to be alive," Doctor Masterson said quietly, getting their attention. "Given where the bullet hit, he should have died instantaneously. Even if he didn't, it still should have damaged a vital organ and caused him to bleed out before the ambulance even arrived. It may be hard to see it like this, but he is actually very lucky. That the paralysis will be the only lasting damage is nothing short of miraculous."

Adam swallowed hard and whispered, "What do we do now? And, and what do we do after he leaves the hospital?-"

"We have specialists who will help. Neurologists who will assess the injury, physical therapists who will show him how to use a wheelchair in addition to showing him how to keep his muscles from atrophying, social workers- anyone who can help will be made available. We'll make sure both of you know what you need to know before he's discharged," Doctor Masterson said gently. "We wouldn't just toss you out on the street with none of the information you'll need."

Adam smiled weakly, though he still looked devastated. "Thank you. One more thing- when can I see him, and when will he wake up?"

"As I said, he will still be in surgery for another hour or so," the surgeon said. "Repairing the damaged blood vessels took a lot of time, and then we had to repair his spine as best we could, too. This, as well as the initial injury and the medications we've given him, have taken quite a toll on his body, and it could be quite a while before he regains consciousness. I can't say when for sure, but it will be at least a few hours and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he doesn't wake up until tomorrow. When you're allowed to see him will be up to his doctors, but most likely, you'll be able to see him once he's moved out of the recovery room and into the ICU. Do you have any other questions about his surgery?"

Everyone shook their heads, so he said, "Then I'm going to go finish things up in the operating room. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask a nurse. I'm so sorry this happened, and I hope everything goes well from here on out."

"Thank you," Adam murmured. Doctor Masterson nodded at the group before walking out the way he'd entered.

Alex looked down, feeling like she was about to cry. She may not have gotten George killed, but she'd still ruined his life and Adam's. And not only that, but now Adam and George would blame her for sure, and they would hate her for it.

"Adam," Alex said helplessly, looking over at him. Olivia and Elliot moved ten or so chairs over, giving them some space and privacy. "Adam, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't- if I-"

"Alex," Adam said tensely. "Please don't. Blaming yourself isn't going to change anything, and it's not your fault anyway."

Alex bit her lip, looking away. She tried to think of something to say, but no words would come.

"I'm going on a walk- I want to be alone. Call me if anything changes," Adam said, standing up. He didn't look numb, exactly, but he didn't seem to be "all there"; he seemed dazed, overwhelmed. Alex could only imagine what he must be thinking and feeling at that moment. In a few short hours, his entire life had been turned upside down. Everything about his day-to-day life with George would be different from now on, no matter how well they adjusted.

Alex watched him walk away, wishing she could do something, anything to help. She would give anything to fix what had happened. If she had been more attentive, it might have turned out that no one at all had been injured. She and George would have been afraid and shaken, but once the scene had been secured, they still could have continued like any other normal day. They would have gone out to eat and talked about their plans for the weekend and other everyday things, and then they'd have gone back to work. By now, she would probably have returned home and turned her TV on to a medical drama she watched as her guilty pleasure, and George and Adam would have been at their apartment, cooking together and relaxing.

Hot tears stung in her eyes. This wasn't how things were supposed to happen. George was an FBI agent, but he was a doctor first and foremost, and he wasn't supposed to get injured like other FBI agents did. He always tried to help people- there was no reason for him to end up shot, _paralyzed._ This wasn't right, wasn't fair.

Biting her lip, she stood as well, ignoring the looks from the team, and walked outside. The temperature had gotten cooler, but it was still pleasantly warm. She leaned against the wall, looking downwards, trying to stop herself from crying and not entirely succeeding.

"God, George, I'm so, so sorry," she whispered into the still air.

* * *

Adam decided, as he walked through the halls in what felt like slow motion, that he hadn't truly understood the definition of shock until today. He had thought shock meant surprise, but what it really meant was feeling like his entire body had been plunged into ice water. Blood turning cold in his veins and his entire body going numb, feeling hyperalert and yet unable to truly comprehend anything- he processed the new information, sure, but it didn't truly register- and his body was on autopilot. He didn't think he would notice if a bus were to start hurtling towards him. His body would just dodge as best it could without any input from his conscious self.

That was what shock meant. Being shut down mentally and emotionally.

He found himself at the chapel, which was mercifully empty, and he entered as quietly as he could. He sat down in the back and looked up at the ceiling.

The truth refused to sink in. Some part of him didn't want it to. Didn't want to face that fact that George would never walk again. All the little things that would never happen again suddenly felt vital. Going on walks, cooking together, even just moving through their apartment. He wasn't ready to face the fact that all of that was over. Even the things that they would still be able to do would be drastically different. Sure, George would still be able to talk with him as he cooked, and George might be able to cook with him if they got some modified equipment, but they wouldn't be standing together, wouldn't be leaning against each other as they worked. It wouldn't be the same no matter what they did.

No, he decided, zoning out was better than trying to come to terms with that.

Adam lost track of how much time he stayed there, gazing up at the ceiling thoughtlessly. He was only brought back to reality by his phone vibrating as a text message from Alex appeared on the screen. A doctor had told them that George was out of surgery, and there had been no further complications. They would be able to see him soon, though only two of them could stay since he would be in the ICU for a while.

"Thank God," he whispered, standing up. He returned to the waiting room, hurrying as the need to see George became overwhelming. He needed to see him, needed to see that he was alive. Needed to hold his hand and stroke his face.

He came back to where Alex was, avoiding the expression of sympathy on Olivia's face. He stood next to Alex and the nurse- one he had seen earlier, though he didn't remember her name- who had seemingly been waiting for him, and gave them a quizzical look.

"This way," the nurse said, turning towards a different hallway. They followed her to a small room in the intensive care unit.

From what Adam knew, single ICU rooms usually would have been hard to come by, but that was one of the advantages of being an FBI agent. Doctors wanted to take care of the people who helped keep the streets safe, so rather than put him in a room with many different patients, they bent the rules to make him a bit more comfortable. Adam gave a small smile at the thought. If anyone deserved that, it was George. Even if he shouldn't have been here in the first place... But Adam shook the thought away quickly, still unwilling to go there.

Adam could barely stop himself from bursting right in the room. The need to see George burned like fire inside him, and his muscles were begging him to do something, anything to work off the nervous energy that had accumulated over the hours he'd been waiting.

"Two at a time," the nurse reminded them as they came to a stop outside the door. Adam walked forward, not caring who chose to go in with him, but not willing to wait.

She opened the door for them and Adam rushed in, coming to a stop as he took in the figure on the bed. George looked awful; pale and smaller than usual with how the bed seemed to engulf him, and even though the doctor had said that George would recover and would even wake up in a few hours, George didn't seem to be anywhere near it. There was an oxygen mask covering his face and other machines attached to different parts of his body, his breathing and heart rate were slow, and he was lying almost completely motionlessness- he didn't seem to be any farther from death than he would have been right after being shot. It certainly seemed like he belonged in the ICU at this point, Adam thought.

Swallowing hard, Adam sat next to the bed and grabbed George's hand, and he shivered when he felt how cold George was. He turned to the doorway, catching the nurse's eye, and said, "He's freezing. Is he... is something wrong?"

"Don't worry," she reassured him. "It's just the anesthesia and the aftereffects of shock- nothing serious. I'll grab another blanket for him to warm him up faster."

"Thank you," Adam said, turning his attention back to George. He took George's right hand between his and rubbed it gently, slowly warming it up, and then repeated the process on his left.

He looked at George's face again, watching him sleeping deeply and peacefully. Even with the oxygen mask obscuring George's face, Adam could tell when he took a breath, could hear the soft sounds that escaped him, even if no one else could have, because he knew what to listen for.

Adam found himself wondering what it must have felt like for George in those few minutes on the courthouse steps, bleeding profusely, in so much pain, not knowing if he was going to survive- or maybe even thinking he wouldn't. And when he woke up, he would have to face so much more...

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," Adam whispered, eyes growing wet. He leaned forward and kissed George's temple, moving one hand up to tenderly stroke George's cheek, squeezing George's left hand with his other. "I'm so sorry," he repeated, leaning his forehead against George's. "I can't take it away, I can't make it better, but I can take care of you. And I will, I swear- I- I don't know if I'll be any good at it, but I'll learn, I'll try my best to keep you happy and comfortable. I'm never going to give up on you or anything, I promise. I love you so, so much, baby." He kissed George's face again, pulling back so he could stroke George's forehead, moving over his eyebrow ridge and then out to his temples, up to his scalp, touching as much of George's head as he could reach.

Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door and looked over to see Alex standing in the door frame, holding the blanket the nurse had retrieved. "Can I come in?" Alex asked. "I wanted to give you a few minutes alone first, and if you want more time, that's fine, but Lindsey- the nurse- just gave me this to give to him, so..."

"Come in," Adam said, clearing his throat.

Alex entered the room and handed him the blanket, which was surprisingly warm. Adam smiled softly, thinking about how George always loved lying in a blanket fresh out the dryer. He pulled the cold blanket off of George and gently set the warm one over him, smoothing it around him so he got as much warmth from it as he could. Then he set the cold blanket on top.

After a minute, Alex sat down on the chair across the bed from Adam. "Are you okay?" she asked him.

Adam saw the guilt in her eyes, and his shoulders slumped in weariness. "I don't know," he said honestly. He rubbed at his eyes, realizing how tired he was, and decided that he would get more coffee as soon as he could. "Are _you_ okay?"

"I don't know either," she said, after a pause.

"That must've been terrible to see. I'm sorry that happened," Adam said softly. "Especially considering what happened... before." He winced as he finished the sentence, not wanting to upset Alex any more than she already was.

But if he had upset her, she didn't say anything about it, just continued talking. "It was. No one's as worse off as him, though. Don't worry about me."

Something in her expression seemed off, but Adam couldn't place it. After a moment of trying to figure it out, he looked downwards at George and shook his head. "If there's one thing George has taught me about psychology, it's that mental injuries can hurt every bit as bad as physical ones," he said. "Maybe George is doing worse than you, but you know that if it was someone else lying there-" he gestured towards George- "He would be telling you to take care of yourself."

"Well, it _is_ him lying there," Alex retorted. "So I don't think he's going to be telling me."

Adam's patience wore out. Ordinarily he would have pressed the issue, but he was too tired. "Fine. Punish yourself for having feelings and then fall apart in a few weeks. See how much good that does you," he said.

"If he hadn't have gotten shot while protecting me-" Alex began, but Adam cut her off.

"I don't want to hear it, Alex," he snapped. "He did that because he wanted to. Because you're like his sister and he didn't want you hurt again. It's no one's fault except the shooter's. There was nothing you could have done, and blaming yourself for this-"

"Is the right thing to do," Alex interrupted. "It _was_ my fault. We don't even know if the bullet would have hit me if he hadn't been hit."

"We're never going to find out. So don't drive yourself crazy trying to find a way it could have been different," Adam said. "All we know is that the bullet almost killed George and as it is..." he trailed off, not wanting to say the words aloud, "He's hurt. So I think it's safe to say you probably would have been just as bad, if not worse."

"It's not that easy. It doesn't work like that," Alex insisted.

Adam scowled. "Okay, so I'll say it was your fault. Happy now?"

"Thrilled. Absolutely over the moon, Adam," Alex said dryly.

Adam felt the agitation flare within him and he curled his fist, digging his nails into his palm. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself and said, "Alex."

"Adam," Alex replied.

"Do you really think George would have took the bullet if he thought you wouldn't get hurt?" Adam demanded.

"He thought I was going to be. But he was wrong," Alex said. "Or even if I would have been..." She trailed off.

"Don't do that, Alex," Adam said pleadingly. "You know better than that."

"Better than what?" Alex asked, almost accusingly.

Adam opened his mouth to reply, but then he closed it. He was too tired for this, too tired to try to assuage Alex's guilt when he not only had his own issues to work through, but he had George to worry about as well. He didn't want Alex to suffer because of this, but he could only do so much. And trying to change the mind of the most stubborn person he knew wasn't one of those things. George might be able to later, but Adam couldn't on his own.

"Never mind," he said lowly. He rubbed at his eyes again and turned his attention back to George.

* * *

Alex watched Adam silently over the next hour. Watched him switching George's blankets with warm ones when they got cold, rubbing his face and holding his hand. Watched him tenderly stroke George's forehead, love, worry, sympathy, and pain clear on his face.

Adam loved George more than anything. That much had been obvious to her for quite a long time, and was more evident than ever now.

And it made her feel even worse about what had happened. Her self blame wasn't something she could turn off, unlike what Adam seemed to think. It was a fact to her, even if it wasn't to Adam or George or Olivia. But as a prosecutor, she knew that people often had different interpretations of the same event. Her job had always been to convince people that hers was the right one.

As far as she was concerned, her interpretation of the shooting was the real one, no matter how many people disagreed. Of course Olivia, who had cared about her so much over these last few years, and Adam and George, who adored her, would see it as just another senseless crime that she had been victim to. Only Alex saw that there were more people than the shooter who had contributed. Sure, only the shooter had pulled the trigger, but she had let George take the bullet meant for her.

She could talk to Adam and George until she lost her voice, and then talk to every psychologist on the planet once it came back. It wouldn't change a thing.

She had gotten her best friend paralyzed. Ruined both his life and his lover's. She wasn't about to let anyone talk her into forgiving herself.

Not Adam, not George, not Olivia, not anyone.


End file.
